Fiji
“Like the butterfly leaving its chrysalis, I, too, am free to use my imagination, strength, and determination
to experience life to its fullest.” - Author Unknown
I recently had the realization that my most traumatic losses in life propelled me to make my boldest course corrections. Changes that completely rearranged what I thought my future would look like. If I’m totally honest, I purposely omitted this chapter from my memoir, Cappuccino Per Favore, because it simply seemed too absurd. However, it’s all true.
On a beautiful morning in 2007, I was relishing my good fortune and successes while living in Key West, Florida. I went online and looked up an author's website whose inspirational words resonated deeply with me. I had been reading Alan Cohen’s daily devotional book, A Deep Breath of Life, for years and wondered if he had written other books. As I opened his website, I was delighted to find an extensive list to choose from, but what really caught my attention was a week-long retreat offered in the faraway land of…Fiji. I had long dreamed of going to Fiji and often drank their bottled water just because I loved the essence of the picture on the label. As outlandish as the idea seemed, which meant travelling halfway around the World, the title, “Life Mastery in Paradise”, really grabbed my interest, along with its description. Discover your passion and live from it, manifest richer health, harmony, and prosperity. Move gracefully through transitions in your relationships, career, and life. The alluring adventure lingered in my thoughts, along with the serene pictures of the breathtaking South Pacific Island.
Even though I could afford the trip at the time, it all seemed too frivolous. I sternly reminded myself about all the expenses of my properties and that they needed to come first. At this juncture in my financial rise, I reassured myself that there would be plenty of time for travel and exploration at a later date, yet I could not ignore the churning in my gut, calling for a better quality of life. Unable to completely shake off the idea, I printed the colorful material with inviting pictures and left it sitting on my desk. Every time the dreamy Fiji pictures resurfaced from under a stockpile of bills, I would say to myself, you know you really would benefit from this seminar.
Fast forward to the financial and real estate crash of 2008. I was filing for bankruptcy, my career in title insurance was tanking, my finances were in shambles, and I had no credit. Although I was completely unstable at this disastrous time in my life, my fragile mind was able to conjure three simple, but powerful words: Fuck it All! as I proceeded to send an email to the contact person listed on the colorful brochure for the Fiji seminar, asking if there was still room for me at the retreat.
Even though my mind kept firing off questions like, Are you crazy? This is just ridiculous, especially at such a messed-up time in your life! Yet I continued to pursue the idea (almost as a game) and decided that if the answer at this late sign-up date came back as a yes, I’d take it as a sign to go forward. Lo and behold, the very next day, I received the affirmative, friendly e-mail response, “Aloha Mary, Yes, we do have space for you.” You can imagine my immediate trepidation at having set this crazy impulse into motion. I felt foolish and reckless, yet something inside of me kept pushing me on. I knew that my next obstacle would be payment. With no credit cards, I needed to pay in cash while keeping the documented expenses within the boundaries of my bankruptcy requirements. So, once again, I said to myself, if I can find a way around this big hurdle, I will take it as another sign to continue forward. Again, I received an affirmative reply, and for the briefest moment, I felt my trepidation begin to turn into tempered excitement. But there was one more major stumbling block to get through. How does one fly without credit cards? Even if I could…I imagined the cost to be astronomical. But once again, I pushed through my anxiety and called the travel agent coordinating the transportation and nervously asked about the airfare. Astonished to learn that it was considerably less than I expected, I thought to myself, that’s doable. But now the big question. Would they work out a payment plan and accept checks? This time, I was genuinely amazed when the unruffled agent said that they’d take payment in any form I’d like to send. With that last hurdle cleared and no more obstacles in my way, I took that final clearance as an unwavering sign that I should go!
The next day, I had an appointment with my CPA, who, besides my son, was the only other person I confided in about Fiji. Being a conservative man with a gentle spirit (and also the brave soul who ultimately told me to “let it all go,” as in, proceed with bankruptcy), I expected him to look at me like I had two heads when I meekly shared my outlandish plan to go to Fiji. But, to my astonishment, and without even batting an eyelash, he said emphatically, “GO!” Over the past six months, he had watched me descend from an exuberant woman to a deflated and discouraged shell as I fought every inch of the way on my journey from steeled determination to acceptance. So, for him to say “GO” was all the encouragement I needed.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life,
the laws of the universe will be simpler.” -Henry David Thoreau
After twenty-seven hours of air travel, I arrived in Fiji. With all my travel arrangements pre-made, I easily found my way through the bright and airy Nadi airport to the modern bus that would deliver me to my weeklong haven. As we traveled away from the city, I absorbed my initial experience of Fiji through the bus window. I could hardly believe my eyes as I took in scenes of the Fijian people, young and old, enthusiastically waving to us as we roared by on the narrow streets. And I thought to myself, how could they be so unabashedly happy when their makeshift houses resembled sheds? It didn’t take long to assess that they are not materialistic people. Their contagious smiles helped release some of my pent-up anger about my real estate debacle. And I thought to myself, Could a new, simpler life really be better?
Having made our way to the opposite side of the mountainous island, I felt my fatigue evaporate as we approached the unassuming resort, which I gladly called home for the next week. Although I was halfway around the world, Fiji did not feel foreign. I instantly felt relaxed and admired the way the resort blended perfectly into the lush Fijian landscape. The views were breathtaking from every vantage point of this stunningly beautiful waterfront property. My unpretentious, single-story accommodation became my new paradise found. Engulfed in tropical flowering plants, I was overjoyed by the natural beauty that surrounded me. Once inside, I admired the smooth wood floors, polished wood paneling on the walls, and open-air window shutters that created a dreamy, diffused soft light. I especially enjoyed my spacious shower with natural inlaid pebbles on the floor and a full-length glass wall facing a private terrarium. I immediately felt the healing powers of this haven take hold of my ragged emotions as tears of appreciation spilled onto my cheeks.
The daily workshops with our facilitator, Alan Cohen, typically ran from morning to night. This may sound grueling, but our group sessions were held outside, under the shade of arching palm trees, near the beach, with everyone facing the beautiful azure waters and other distant islands. A scene right out of the Fiji water bottle. During this amazing program, I let myself be supported and soothed while in the folds of this eclectic group of gentle souls and spiritual seekers. I took full advantage of every program, including Stacie’s one-hour “roll out of bed” YOGA class. Held at sunrise on the same picturesque beach, I felt my bewildered spirit finding its way back into the light.
Although our daily schedule was quite full, there was still sufficient free time to relax or take advantage of spa and healing treatments. In this picture-perfect setting, I received two of the most healing massages from Stacie, who was not only a delightful Yoga instructor but also a highly trained and insightful masseuse. Additionally, I had my first Reiki treatment with Sharon, a gifted healer, in a quiet, safe space. During the treatment, I experienced some very traumatic memories as Sharon lightly moved her hands over my head and torso. It's hard to explain just how disturbing this was for me, and I’m not even sure if the pain was from this lifetime, but I felt like I was reliving past hurtful experiences full throttle. Together, we mentally threw the painful memories over a tall cliff, saying “adios” once and for all. As I walked back to my room, it was as if I experienced amnesia. I had no recollection of the memories that were brought forth. I also have not had another Reiki treatment since.
There were about thirty participants at the seminar. Our group was made up of singles and married couples, mostly from the United States, but also a few from New Zealand. We may have come from different parts of the world, but we shared a common purpose and interest in this “Life Mastery in Paradise” program. Within the week, rich friendships were forged as we shared a common purpose, learning how to live richer, more meaningful lives.
A group of enthusiastic girls, donned with swim fins and masks, invited me to join them one afternoon for snorkeling. However, as we approached the end of a long jetty, I felt a little embarrassed that I couldn’t take the plunge. The water, although beautiful and inviting, was simply too cold. Coming from the Florida Keys, I am basically a wimp when it comes to cold water, but I did enjoy some adventurous kayaking another time. On one of our tours of the island, I was surprised to see the bottling company for FIJI water. It really existed! The spectacular scenery surrounding this enchanted island easily lived up to the essence of the enticing seminar pictures that prompted me to take my initial and daring step to attend.
One evening, a group of us gals were sharing a scrumptious dinner on the restaurant's terrace, surrounded by lush, flowering plants and a warm scented breeze. The conversation began jovially and then flowed into a question that is probably common at these programs: “So, what made you decide to come to this retreat?” As the stories made their way around the table, one girl shared how she was in a quandary over where to live, California or Colorado, another stunningly attractive girl said that she was debating about making a career shift from her current lucrative employment to being self-employed, another beautifully dressed girl was trying to get clarity over a strained relationship, and then the attention turned to me. I had already been debating about how open I could be with this group. Ultimately, I decided to lay my story on the table and matter-of-factly said: I’m currently going through the painful process of bankruptcy and losing all my real estate; my career is faltering; and the love of my life recently ended our relationship via email. It didn’t take long for me to assess that it was probably a tad much for the group, as I watched eyebrows go up and an uncomfortable silence ensued. A few of them tried to comfort me by sharing some of their own woeful stories, but nothing really compared.
Here, in this paradise, and in my fragile state, I learned another important lesson. First, my plight is not good table talk, regardless of the environment. But more specifically, I was in no condition to handle the unspoken judgment that I felt after divulging my painful truth. However, later that same evening, I did share a good healing belly laugh as I made my way with Stacie to watch the scheduled entertainment. The performers wore traditional, colorful Fijian costumes, and the music was lively, upbeat, and fun. They sang together in perfect unison, except for one poor girl whose notes resembled the sound of a woeful, injured seal. I don’t know if it was because she was extremely pregnant or what, but her loud and flat notes, which she continuously carried while seemingly unaware, sent my friend and me into such fits of laughter that we had to make a quick exit before completely embarrassing ourselves.
I’m a walker, so one afternoon, as the rest of the group went on to tour the local markets, I went hiking in the gracefully sloping mountains with a hired guide from the Resort. His name was James; he was Fijian, black, and possessed the kindest smile and demeanor. I was interested in where Fijians go on vacation, so I asked him where he goes to get away. While making a wide sweeping motion with his long-outstretched arms, he said, “Look around you, why would I want to go anywhere else?” He was married with children, and they lived in his family village, as is customary. They probably had dirt floors and retrieved their water from an outside well, but he exuded natural happiness. With pride beaming on his face, he explained that it’s common for women to stay home to care for the children and do the usual chores, which included catching fresh fish for their evening meal. He also told me that most Fijians who worked outside the villages worked at resorts.
James and I trekked along winding, dusty mountain roads that took us past modest Fijian houses, some of which looked like sheds, others featured thatched roofs and were often grouped in small villages. While gazing up at the lush mountainside landscape, I could see the opposite end of the spectrum. Gargantuan modern homes perched directly on the mountain's edge with multimillion-dollar panoramic views overlooking the alluring Fijian blue water. My guide explained, with no trace of envy, that these incredible homes are typically owned by wealthy people from Australia, New Zealand, or America. Then there were the mid-sized, well-constructed modern homes that were owned by the industrious Indo-Fijian people, easily within view of our path. This population, although originally from India, has co-existed in Fiji for many lifetimes, but still speak their own language. The school children learn both languages, plus English. My guide spoke all three fluently and taught me to say hello in Indo-Fijian. He beamed when I said "Hello" to a small group of Indo-Fijian girls as we passed them along the path, using the Indo-Fijian word he had just taught me. Two simple words can pretty much describe the Fijian spirit. Friendly and happy.
Alan Cohen wrote in his book titled, Handle with Prayer, “Many of us are too well adjusted. We adjust our request to what we expect, rather than daring the universe (and ourselves) to match our vision. If you aim low on the pyramid, you can’t miss the target, but you do miss the view from the peak. If you accommodate long enough, you lose touch with your heart’s desires, and when someone asks you what you really want, you can’t come up with an answer. Not expressing what you want is more painful than not getting what you want, for exciting goals bring us life, motivation, and energy.”
While standing in front of the retreat group, with my eyes closed, Alan held my hand and gently led me through an uncomfortable session, while repeatedly asking me, “What do you really want, Mary?” At first, my mind and voice faltered, and I felt completely foolish. There was nowhere to hide as I faced the fact that at age fifty-three, I was on the cusp of starting my life all over again. I found the questioning staggering. But after a few more rounds of the same question, and Alan’s gentle encouragement, I started to find my footing and replied, I want to be happy again. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to be financially secure - my voice a bit stronger. “What do you really want, Mary? I want to be in a loving relationship. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to move back to Clearwater so that I can be with my friends. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to travel. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to be healthy. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to enjoy life again. After asking me the same question at least twenty more times and requiring an answer with no time to think and with tears streaming down my face, I finally replied, I want to be free. After the session, a fellow student shared that she saw a beautiful butterfly fluttering around me as I said those last words. At that same moment, I knew in my heart that I was completely ready to be free of the collapsing walls my real estate empire had built around me. Alan, unaware of my life’s disastrous predicament, but still very insightful, said, “We’re all here to help you achieve your wish to be free, Mary. You’re not alone.”
On my return trip to Nadi airport, I shared a passenger van with the same delightful gal who observed the butterfly during my session with Alan. Once we arrived back in Nadi, the driver dropped her and her husband off at a ferry port where they would spend the next week at a private island resort. Since I had some free time before my departure, I asked the driver to take me around to see a bit more of the island. After that, I planned to visit the city center to grab lunch and explore the local shops. Unbeknownst to me, there was a large area of modern development on the island, and that is where he drove me. I felt like I had traveled through a time warp as we entered a land of manicured lawns, multi-level condominiums, golf courses, and attractive, Americanized, exclusive shops, and suddenly I felt like I was back in… Florida! Don’t get me wrong, I love the state I reside in, but this is not what I came to Fiji to see! After spending the past week secluded in a very natural setting that personified the magnificent natural beauty of this tropical paradise, I was, quite frankly, turned off to see modern development, including McDonald's.
Not wanting to offend the courteous driver, I thanked him for showing me the area but then explained that what I really wanted to see was the heart of Nadi and its local shops and cafes. With a look of concern, he asked, “Are you sure?” I replied, “Yes! While the Fijians are all about family, simple living, and being happy, the Indo-Fijians are business owners and entrepreneurs. From what I could see, all the shops and restaurants were run by the Indo-Fijians. I felt completely comfortable venturing around Nadi and found everyone very friendly and helpful. After he dropped me off on a busy street, I first enjoyed a delicious baked chicken meal at a small, homey restaurant, and then felt transported to India as I perused the colorful, lively shops.
Upon my return to the United States, I was practically sleepwalking after traveling thirty-six hours, including an eight-hour layover in LA. However, I immediately put my recent training in self-care and abundant living into practice as I took a taxi directly from Key West airport to a relaxing spa, where I relished (like never before) a rejuvenating shower, massage, and facial. Furthermore, in keeping with my recently reinforced mode of prosperity consciousness, I bought a new yoga outfit, which I wore out of the spa. Next, I made my way to a nearby restaurant for a fresh fish dinner. At the time, I remember thinking to myself, Okay, I’m ready to face the realities of my life. But the truth was, I did not want this heavenly experience to end — but who would?
After sleeping for the next twelve hours, I woke up energized and ready to put into practice the lessons I had just learned about focusing on positive outcomes and living a more joyful life. In addition, and more importantly, I was proud of myself for taking the bold journey of self-discovery. I also could feel that my mental state was more stable, as I began to think more optimistically about my future, even though I still had about eight more grueling months before my bankruptcy would be finalized.
For additional support, I hired Alan Cohen as my life coach to help me navigate the rough seas ahead. During our phone sessions, he would gently but skillfully lead me away from my fear-based thinking, as I forged through the ego-deflating bankruptcy process. After patiently listening to me lament over the unfair turn my life had taken, he would gently ask me questions like: “What is it that you absolutely love to do? What makes your heart sing?" He would say, “I know it’s a long stretch for your mind right now, but let’s just play a little game and imagine that for the moment you are living your ideal life. Can you describe it and how it would feel?” With tears streaming down my face, I’d force my mind to follow his guide, and if only for the briefest of moments, I would feel the weight of my burdened life lighten.
Then, one day, during a powerful phone session, he asked me a question that launched an amazing course correction in my life. “If you could do anything in the world, and had plenty of time and money to do it, what would it be?” My timid reply was, Travel. I remember hearing the word come from my mouth, but in my mind, I thought, My life is stuck in reverse; everything I have worked for was slipping away, and I don’t have the funds to travel. Yet there I was, almost pretending that it didn’t matter, as my coach and I created this imaginary playground for my mind. And in this idyllic place, we planned an imaginary itinerary for me to follow my dream and travel. I understand that this exercise may seem unsound and unbelievable. Still, as we talked about me traveling, I could feel my mental state begin to elevate, and when it came down to it, it sure beat the dreadful dark place it wanted to occupy otherwise. This was not a natural direction for my mind to flow in, so I had to literally force my thoughts to affirm that my life would be good again, and that’s exactly what Alan’s seminars and coaching did for me.
During this time, I found reading helped to occupy my frazzled mind, and it’s probably no coincidence that I turned to Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat Pray Love. My initial imaginary travel plan was to last one month. Still, after being highly inspired by Gilbert’s book, I decided that if Elizabeth could travel for twelve months by herself, then I could go for three. And why not – it was my dream! Dream or not (if I actually launched this budding idea), my funds would come out of early-retirement withdrawals—replete with huge tax penalties. My next step in the game was to decide where I wanted to go. When it comes to travel, I basically want to go anywhere and everywhere, meaning I (HEART) TRAVEL! In the past, I had spent limited time abroad and had always wanted to return. However, I had never traveled to Europe by myself, so I felt more than a little insecure about this endeavor, which seemed to be gaining momentum in my fragile mind. I recall asking myself, Could I really do this? Could this really be my chance? However, with each supportive session, my coach reassured me, “Yes, Mary, you can do this,” thus bringing the trip closer to reality.
In a subsequent phone session with Alan, I could hardly believe my own ears when I heard myself say more than ask: So, if I’m really going to follow my dream to travel, that means I’m going to have to quit my job too. Right? Without missing a beat, Alan’s reply came back as, “Well, if memory serves me correctly, your job isn’t exactly working for you anymore. Right?” Oh, yeah, right… Less than a year later, the beautiful title insurance office where I was employed closed its doors for good.
Not only did I travel solo to Europe for three months, but I also wrote about my incredible experiences in travel notes, which later became my first published book, Cappuccino Per Favore! A Life Journey. A Travel Odyssey, and an Invitation to be Inspired, Uplifted & Entertained.
to experience life to its fullest.” - Author Unknown
I recently had the realization that my most traumatic losses in life propelled me to make my boldest course corrections. Changes that completely rearranged what I thought my future would look like. If I’m totally honest, I purposely omitted this chapter from my memoir, Cappuccino Per Favore, because it simply seemed too absurd. However, it’s all true.
On a beautiful morning in 2007, I was relishing my good fortune and successes while living in Key West, Florida. I went online and looked up an author's website whose inspirational words resonated deeply with me. I had been reading Alan Cohen’s daily devotional book, A Deep Breath of Life, for years and wondered if he had written other books. As I opened his website, I was delighted to find an extensive list to choose from, but what really caught my attention was a week-long retreat offered in the faraway land of…Fiji. I had long dreamed of going to Fiji and often drank their bottled water just because I loved the essence of the picture on the label. As outlandish as the idea seemed, which meant travelling halfway around the World, the title, “Life Mastery in Paradise”, really grabbed my interest, along with its description. Discover your passion and live from it, manifest richer health, harmony, and prosperity. Move gracefully through transitions in your relationships, career, and life. The alluring adventure lingered in my thoughts, along with the serene pictures of the breathtaking South Pacific Island.
Even though I could afford the trip at the time, it all seemed too frivolous. I sternly reminded myself about all the expenses of my properties and that they needed to come first. At this juncture in my financial rise, I reassured myself that there would be plenty of time for travel and exploration at a later date, yet I could not ignore the churning in my gut, calling for a better quality of life. Unable to completely shake off the idea, I printed the colorful material with inviting pictures and left it sitting on my desk. Every time the dreamy Fiji pictures resurfaced from under a stockpile of bills, I would say to myself, you know you really would benefit from this seminar.
Fast forward to the financial and real estate crash of 2008. I was filing for bankruptcy, my career in title insurance was tanking, my finances were in shambles, and I had no credit. Although I was completely unstable at this disastrous time in my life, my fragile mind was able to conjure three simple, but powerful words: Fuck it All! as I proceeded to send an email to the contact person listed on the colorful brochure for the Fiji seminar, asking if there was still room for me at the retreat.
Even though my mind kept firing off questions like, Are you crazy? This is just ridiculous, especially at such a messed-up time in your life! Yet I continued to pursue the idea (almost as a game) and decided that if the answer at this late sign-up date came back as a yes, I’d take it as a sign to go forward. Lo and behold, the very next day, I received the affirmative, friendly e-mail response, “Aloha Mary, Yes, we do have space for you.” You can imagine my immediate trepidation at having set this crazy impulse into motion. I felt foolish and reckless, yet something inside of me kept pushing me on. I knew that my next obstacle would be payment. With no credit cards, I needed to pay in cash while keeping the documented expenses within the boundaries of my bankruptcy requirements. So, once again, I said to myself, if I can find a way around this big hurdle, I will take it as another sign to continue forward. Again, I received an affirmative reply, and for the briefest moment, I felt my trepidation begin to turn into tempered excitement. But there was one more major stumbling block to get through. How does one fly without credit cards? Even if I could…I imagined the cost to be astronomical. But once again, I pushed through my anxiety and called the travel agent coordinating the transportation and nervously asked about the airfare. Astonished to learn that it was considerably less than I expected, I thought to myself, that’s doable. But now the big question. Would they work out a payment plan and accept checks? This time, I was genuinely amazed when the unruffled agent said that they’d take payment in any form I’d like to send. With that last hurdle cleared and no more obstacles in my way, I took that final clearance as an unwavering sign that I should go!
The next day, I had an appointment with my CPA, who, besides my son, was the only other person I confided in about Fiji. Being a conservative man with a gentle spirit (and also the brave soul who ultimately told me to “let it all go,” as in, proceed with bankruptcy), I expected him to look at me like I had two heads when I meekly shared my outlandish plan to go to Fiji. But, to my astonishment, and without even batting an eyelash, he said emphatically, “GO!” Over the past six months, he had watched me descend from an exuberant woman to a deflated and discouraged shell as I fought every inch of the way on my journey from steeled determination to acceptance. So, for him to say “GO” was all the encouragement I needed.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life,
the laws of the universe will be simpler.” -Henry David Thoreau
After twenty-seven hours of air travel, I arrived in Fiji. With all my travel arrangements pre-made, I easily found my way through the bright and airy Nadi airport to the modern bus that would deliver me to my weeklong haven. As we traveled away from the city, I absorbed my initial experience of Fiji through the bus window. I could hardly believe my eyes as I took in scenes of the Fijian people, young and old, enthusiastically waving to us as we roared by on the narrow streets. And I thought to myself, how could they be so unabashedly happy when their makeshift houses resembled sheds? It didn’t take long to assess that they are not materialistic people. Their contagious smiles helped release some of my pent-up anger about my real estate debacle. And I thought to myself, Could a new, simpler life really be better?
Having made our way to the opposite side of the mountainous island, I felt my fatigue evaporate as we approached the unassuming resort, which I gladly called home for the next week. Although I was halfway around the world, Fiji did not feel foreign. I instantly felt relaxed and admired the way the resort blended perfectly into the lush Fijian landscape. The views were breathtaking from every vantage point of this stunningly beautiful waterfront property. My unpretentious, single-story accommodation became my new paradise found. Engulfed in tropical flowering plants, I was overjoyed by the natural beauty that surrounded me. Once inside, I admired the smooth wood floors, polished wood paneling on the walls, and open-air window shutters that created a dreamy, diffused soft light. I especially enjoyed my spacious shower with natural inlaid pebbles on the floor and a full-length glass wall facing a private terrarium. I immediately felt the healing powers of this haven take hold of my ragged emotions as tears of appreciation spilled onto my cheeks.
The daily workshops with our facilitator, Alan Cohen, typically ran from morning to night. This may sound grueling, but our group sessions were held outside, under the shade of arching palm trees, near the beach, with everyone facing the beautiful azure waters and other distant islands. A scene right out of the Fiji water bottle. During this amazing program, I let myself be supported and soothed while in the folds of this eclectic group of gentle souls and spiritual seekers. I took full advantage of every program, including Stacie’s one-hour “roll out of bed” YOGA class. Held at sunrise on the same picturesque beach, I felt my bewildered spirit finding its way back into the light.
Although our daily schedule was quite full, there was still sufficient free time to relax or take advantage of spa and healing treatments. In this picture-perfect setting, I received two of the most healing massages from Stacie, who was not only a delightful Yoga instructor but also a highly trained and insightful masseuse. Additionally, I had my first Reiki treatment with Sharon, a gifted healer, in a quiet, safe space. During the treatment, I experienced some very traumatic memories as Sharon lightly moved her hands over my head and torso. It's hard to explain just how disturbing this was for me, and I’m not even sure if the pain was from this lifetime, but I felt like I was reliving past hurtful experiences full throttle. Together, we mentally threw the painful memories over a tall cliff, saying “adios” once and for all. As I walked back to my room, it was as if I experienced amnesia. I had no recollection of the memories that were brought forth. I also have not had another Reiki treatment since.
There were about thirty participants at the seminar. Our group was made up of singles and married couples, mostly from the United States, but also a few from New Zealand. We may have come from different parts of the world, but we shared a common purpose and interest in this “Life Mastery in Paradise” program. Within the week, rich friendships were forged as we shared a common purpose, learning how to live richer, more meaningful lives.
A group of enthusiastic girls, donned with swim fins and masks, invited me to join them one afternoon for snorkeling. However, as we approached the end of a long jetty, I felt a little embarrassed that I couldn’t take the plunge. The water, although beautiful and inviting, was simply too cold. Coming from the Florida Keys, I am basically a wimp when it comes to cold water, but I did enjoy some adventurous kayaking another time. On one of our tours of the island, I was surprised to see the bottling company for FIJI water. It really existed! The spectacular scenery surrounding this enchanted island easily lived up to the essence of the enticing seminar pictures that prompted me to take my initial and daring step to attend.
One evening, a group of us gals were sharing a scrumptious dinner on the restaurant's terrace, surrounded by lush, flowering plants and a warm scented breeze. The conversation began jovially and then flowed into a question that is probably common at these programs: “So, what made you decide to come to this retreat?” As the stories made their way around the table, one girl shared how she was in a quandary over where to live, California or Colorado, another stunningly attractive girl said that she was debating about making a career shift from her current lucrative employment to being self-employed, another beautifully dressed girl was trying to get clarity over a strained relationship, and then the attention turned to me. I had already been debating about how open I could be with this group. Ultimately, I decided to lay my story on the table and matter-of-factly said: I’m currently going through the painful process of bankruptcy and losing all my real estate; my career is faltering; and the love of my life recently ended our relationship via email. It didn’t take long for me to assess that it was probably a tad much for the group, as I watched eyebrows go up and an uncomfortable silence ensued. A few of them tried to comfort me by sharing some of their own woeful stories, but nothing really compared.
Here, in this paradise, and in my fragile state, I learned another important lesson. First, my plight is not good table talk, regardless of the environment. But more specifically, I was in no condition to handle the unspoken judgment that I felt after divulging my painful truth. However, later that same evening, I did share a good healing belly laugh as I made my way with Stacie to watch the scheduled entertainment. The performers wore traditional, colorful Fijian costumes, and the music was lively, upbeat, and fun. They sang together in perfect unison, except for one poor girl whose notes resembled the sound of a woeful, injured seal. I don’t know if it was because she was extremely pregnant or what, but her loud and flat notes, which she continuously carried while seemingly unaware, sent my friend and me into such fits of laughter that we had to make a quick exit before completely embarrassing ourselves.
I’m a walker, so one afternoon, as the rest of the group went on to tour the local markets, I went hiking in the gracefully sloping mountains with a hired guide from the Resort. His name was James; he was Fijian, black, and possessed the kindest smile and demeanor. I was interested in where Fijians go on vacation, so I asked him where he goes to get away. While making a wide sweeping motion with his long-outstretched arms, he said, “Look around you, why would I want to go anywhere else?” He was married with children, and they lived in his family village, as is customary. They probably had dirt floors and retrieved their water from an outside well, but he exuded natural happiness. With pride beaming on his face, he explained that it’s common for women to stay home to care for the children and do the usual chores, which included catching fresh fish for their evening meal. He also told me that most Fijians who worked outside the villages worked at resorts.
James and I trekked along winding, dusty mountain roads that took us past modest Fijian houses, some of which looked like sheds, others featured thatched roofs and were often grouped in small villages. While gazing up at the lush mountainside landscape, I could see the opposite end of the spectrum. Gargantuan modern homes perched directly on the mountain's edge with multimillion-dollar panoramic views overlooking the alluring Fijian blue water. My guide explained, with no trace of envy, that these incredible homes are typically owned by wealthy people from Australia, New Zealand, or America. Then there were the mid-sized, well-constructed modern homes that were owned by the industrious Indo-Fijian people, easily within view of our path. This population, although originally from India, has co-existed in Fiji for many lifetimes, but still speak their own language. The school children learn both languages, plus English. My guide spoke all three fluently and taught me to say hello in Indo-Fijian. He beamed when I said "Hello" to a small group of Indo-Fijian girls as we passed them along the path, using the Indo-Fijian word he had just taught me. Two simple words can pretty much describe the Fijian spirit. Friendly and happy.
Alan Cohen wrote in his book titled, Handle with Prayer, “Many of us are too well adjusted. We adjust our request to what we expect, rather than daring the universe (and ourselves) to match our vision. If you aim low on the pyramid, you can’t miss the target, but you do miss the view from the peak. If you accommodate long enough, you lose touch with your heart’s desires, and when someone asks you what you really want, you can’t come up with an answer. Not expressing what you want is more painful than not getting what you want, for exciting goals bring us life, motivation, and energy.”
While standing in front of the retreat group, with my eyes closed, Alan held my hand and gently led me through an uncomfortable session, while repeatedly asking me, “What do you really want, Mary?” At first, my mind and voice faltered, and I felt completely foolish. There was nowhere to hide as I faced the fact that at age fifty-three, I was on the cusp of starting my life all over again. I found the questioning staggering. But after a few more rounds of the same question, and Alan’s gentle encouragement, I started to find my footing and replied, I want to be happy again. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to be financially secure - my voice a bit stronger. “What do you really want, Mary? I want to be in a loving relationship. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to move back to Clearwater so that I can be with my friends. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to travel. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to be healthy. “What do you really want, Mary?” I want to enjoy life again. After asking me the same question at least twenty more times and requiring an answer with no time to think and with tears streaming down my face, I finally replied, I want to be free. After the session, a fellow student shared that she saw a beautiful butterfly fluttering around me as I said those last words. At that same moment, I knew in my heart that I was completely ready to be free of the collapsing walls my real estate empire had built around me. Alan, unaware of my life’s disastrous predicament, but still very insightful, said, “We’re all here to help you achieve your wish to be free, Mary. You’re not alone.”
On my return trip to Nadi airport, I shared a passenger van with the same delightful gal who observed the butterfly during my session with Alan. Once we arrived back in Nadi, the driver dropped her and her husband off at a ferry port where they would spend the next week at a private island resort. Since I had some free time before my departure, I asked the driver to take me around to see a bit more of the island. After that, I planned to visit the city center to grab lunch and explore the local shops. Unbeknownst to me, there was a large area of modern development on the island, and that is where he drove me. I felt like I had traveled through a time warp as we entered a land of manicured lawns, multi-level condominiums, golf courses, and attractive, Americanized, exclusive shops, and suddenly I felt like I was back in… Florida! Don’t get me wrong, I love the state I reside in, but this is not what I came to Fiji to see! After spending the past week secluded in a very natural setting that personified the magnificent natural beauty of this tropical paradise, I was, quite frankly, turned off to see modern development, including McDonald's.
Not wanting to offend the courteous driver, I thanked him for showing me the area but then explained that what I really wanted to see was the heart of Nadi and its local shops and cafes. With a look of concern, he asked, “Are you sure?” I replied, “Yes! While the Fijians are all about family, simple living, and being happy, the Indo-Fijians are business owners and entrepreneurs. From what I could see, all the shops and restaurants were run by the Indo-Fijians. I felt completely comfortable venturing around Nadi and found everyone very friendly and helpful. After he dropped me off on a busy street, I first enjoyed a delicious baked chicken meal at a small, homey restaurant, and then felt transported to India as I perused the colorful, lively shops.
Upon my return to the United States, I was practically sleepwalking after traveling thirty-six hours, including an eight-hour layover in LA. However, I immediately put my recent training in self-care and abundant living into practice as I took a taxi directly from Key West airport to a relaxing spa, where I relished (like never before) a rejuvenating shower, massage, and facial. Furthermore, in keeping with my recently reinforced mode of prosperity consciousness, I bought a new yoga outfit, which I wore out of the spa. Next, I made my way to a nearby restaurant for a fresh fish dinner. At the time, I remember thinking to myself, Okay, I’m ready to face the realities of my life. But the truth was, I did not want this heavenly experience to end — but who would?
After sleeping for the next twelve hours, I woke up energized and ready to put into practice the lessons I had just learned about focusing on positive outcomes and living a more joyful life. In addition, and more importantly, I was proud of myself for taking the bold journey of self-discovery. I also could feel that my mental state was more stable, as I began to think more optimistically about my future, even though I still had about eight more grueling months before my bankruptcy would be finalized.
For additional support, I hired Alan Cohen as my life coach to help me navigate the rough seas ahead. During our phone sessions, he would gently but skillfully lead me away from my fear-based thinking, as I forged through the ego-deflating bankruptcy process. After patiently listening to me lament over the unfair turn my life had taken, he would gently ask me questions like: “What is it that you absolutely love to do? What makes your heart sing?" He would say, “I know it’s a long stretch for your mind right now, but let’s just play a little game and imagine that for the moment you are living your ideal life. Can you describe it and how it would feel?” With tears streaming down my face, I’d force my mind to follow his guide, and if only for the briefest of moments, I would feel the weight of my burdened life lighten.
Then, one day, during a powerful phone session, he asked me a question that launched an amazing course correction in my life. “If you could do anything in the world, and had plenty of time and money to do it, what would it be?” My timid reply was, Travel. I remember hearing the word come from my mouth, but in my mind, I thought, My life is stuck in reverse; everything I have worked for was slipping away, and I don’t have the funds to travel. Yet there I was, almost pretending that it didn’t matter, as my coach and I created this imaginary playground for my mind. And in this idyllic place, we planned an imaginary itinerary for me to follow my dream and travel. I understand that this exercise may seem unsound and unbelievable. Still, as we talked about me traveling, I could feel my mental state begin to elevate, and when it came down to it, it sure beat the dreadful dark place it wanted to occupy otherwise. This was not a natural direction for my mind to flow in, so I had to literally force my thoughts to affirm that my life would be good again, and that’s exactly what Alan’s seminars and coaching did for me.
During this time, I found reading helped to occupy my frazzled mind, and it’s probably no coincidence that I turned to Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat Pray Love. My initial imaginary travel plan was to last one month. Still, after being highly inspired by Gilbert’s book, I decided that if Elizabeth could travel for twelve months by herself, then I could go for three. And why not – it was my dream! Dream or not (if I actually launched this budding idea), my funds would come out of early-retirement withdrawals—replete with huge tax penalties. My next step in the game was to decide where I wanted to go. When it comes to travel, I basically want to go anywhere and everywhere, meaning I (HEART) TRAVEL! In the past, I had spent limited time abroad and had always wanted to return. However, I had never traveled to Europe by myself, so I felt more than a little insecure about this endeavor, which seemed to be gaining momentum in my fragile mind. I recall asking myself, Could I really do this? Could this really be my chance? However, with each supportive session, my coach reassured me, “Yes, Mary, you can do this,” thus bringing the trip closer to reality.
In a subsequent phone session with Alan, I could hardly believe my own ears when I heard myself say more than ask: So, if I’m really going to follow my dream to travel, that means I’m going to have to quit my job too. Right? Without missing a beat, Alan’s reply came back as, “Well, if memory serves me correctly, your job isn’t exactly working for you anymore. Right?” Oh, yeah, right… Less than a year later, the beautiful title insurance office where I was employed closed its doors for good.
Not only did I travel solo to Europe for three months, but I also wrote about my incredible experiences in travel notes, which later became my first published book, Cappuccino Per Favore! A Life Journey. A Travel Odyssey, and an Invitation to be Inspired, Uplifted & Entertained.
